Category: Leadership

  • How to Be Yourself Despite Yourself

    I watched the karaoke from the sidelines.

    That felt honest to me. I’m not a karaoke person. When it comes to karaoke, I’m an observer, an introvert in that moment, someone who needs to work up to things. So I stood there, drink in hand, watching everyone else be loud and unselfconscious, perfectly content to keep my comfortable distance.

    And then a conga line materialized out of nowhere and swept me up anyway.

    And here’s the thing: I loved it. Fully, genuinely, without reservation. I wasn’t performing enjoyment to be polite. I was just… having a great time. Being exactly the kind of person I’d just told myself I wasn’t.

    I could have said no. I could have smiled and stepped aside and let the line pass. Nobody would have thought less of me. But I didn’t. I let myself be swept up, and I think that’s the more honest version of what happened. Not that the conga line pulled me in, but that I chose not to resist. I gave myself permission, just through the side door of someone else’s momentum.

    The edge of something good

    Which makes me wonder how often I’m standing at the edge of something good, waiting for an external force to make the decision for me. Waiting to be invited, waiting for a reason, waiting for it to feel justified…when I could just decide. The permission was always mine to give.

    And the strange thing is, in most areas of my life, I know this. I don’t wait for my life to happen to me, I make things happen. Particularly in my career. I’ve never sat back and hoped someone would notice, or waited for the right moment to land in my lap. I move. I decide. I act. But put me in a room with music and strangers and something in me goes quiet, and suddenly I’m waiting for a conga line to solve the problem I could have solved myself.

    This keeps happening to me. That same day, I stood at the edge of a group of people I didn’t know, running the familiar calculus in my head: do I have a reason to approach them? What do I have to offer here? Will I seem like I’m inserting myself? And then I walked over anyway. And the conversation was great.

    Every time I push past my own hesitation, it goes well. Sometimes I push past it alone and other times I do it with friends around me. Every time I do the thing I thought I couldn’t do, I find out I can. And yet somehow none of this has updated my story about who I am.

    Maybe because I never stopped to count it as data.

    A juxtaposition to myself

    So which version is real? The person standing at the edge of the room, or the person in the conga line?

    The honest answer is that I am a juxtaposition to myself.

    I am an introvert. I am also someone who can walk into a room, craft a vision, and bring everyone along. I genuinely struggle with small talk. I can’t just chat with anyone about anything, the weather, the weekend, the vague pleasantries that seem to come so easily to other people. And I am also, in the right context, incredibly talkative. Someone who can lose track of time in a conversation.

    As a kid I had no fear. I raised my hand. I sat in the front row. Then as a teenager I worked at a bookstore, and I had absolutely no problem walking up to strangers and chatting with them about what they were looking for. That wasn’t social ease exactly; it was something more specific. I loved books. I knew I could help them. The context gave me a reason to be there, a thing to offer, and that was enough. That’s still true of me.

    I think what I’m actually describing isn’t introversion exactly. It’s that I lead with what I have to contribute. When I know what I’m bringing to the table, I show up fully: talkative, engaged, present. In my career I’ve never struggled with this. I walk in with a vision, with a point of view, with something real to offer, and I move. The freeze only happens when the context strips all of that away and asks me to exist in the room with no role, no agenda, no clear reason to be there.

    Maybe the harder thing is learning that my presence doesn’t always need a purpose to be warranted. That I don’t need a role to deserve the room.

    Data I never collected

    So why doesn’t the story update? I think it’s because I never stopped to collect the data. The discomfort before feels vivid and fresh every time. But the good conversation, the conga line, the moment I surprised myself, those get filed away as anecdotes, not evidence. They don’t accumulate into anything I’m willing to call a pattern. And if I don’t measure it, I get to keep choosing which version of the story to believe. Not collecting the data is safe. Definitive data would force an update. And updates are uncomfortable.

    I don’t think I’m alone in this. Most of us are carrying stories about ourselves that haven’t caught up to who we actually are now. And I suspect the same is true of our organizations, our teams, even our customers, all running on narratives formed in an earlier version of reality, protected by a decision to not look too closely.

    The story that says I don’t do karaoke. I don’t insert myself into groups. I’m not a person who just walks up to people. I need a reason to be in the room.

    That story is not protecting me. It’s just old. And it’s probably wrong.

    So. Do the thing. File it as data. Let it accumulate, even when what it shows you is something you don’t like. Sometimes clarity is uncomfortable. But you can’t do anything about what you don’t understand, and an honest picture is always more useful than a comfortable fiction.

    The latest version of yourself might be someone who doesn’t always need a role to deserve the room. Someone who brings enough just by showing up.

    That’s not a performance. That’s just the data finally catching up to the truth.

  • The Shock Absorber

    There’s a moment in most cross-functional projects that looks, from the outside, like progress.

    The design is mostly there. The copy is mostly there. The direction feels right. A few open questions remain, but nothing feels blocking. Everyone in the room can sense that the thing is almost ready to become real.

    And then someone asks the question.

    “How do we move faster?”

    It’s a reasonable question. It’s asked in good faith, usually by someone senior, usually by someone who genuinely cares about the work. And yet it is, almost always, the moment the project starts to go wrong.

    Not because speed is bad. Speed is often exactly what’s needed. The problem is what the question does to the room. It shifts the conversation from what are we building to how much of it can we skip, and it does so at precisely the moment when the cost of that shift becomes invisible to everyone except the people who will have to absorb it.

    This essay is about that moment, and about what it reveals about how cross-functional teams think about craft.

    To see why, you have to look at what actually happens when a design that looks 95% done arrives at an engineering team.

    Inside the 95%

    When a designer looks at a nearly-finished design, they see something recognizable. The hierarchy is resolved. The tone is landing. The narrative flows from block to block. The work of making the thing feel right is mostly done, and what remains is polish, the kind of refinement that a skilled designer can do quickly once the bones are in place.

    When an engineer looks at the same design, they see a different object.

    They see a dependency graph. They see the six decisions that haven’t been made yet, hiding inside things the design treats as settled. They see the four places where this component will need to behave differently on mobile, and the question of whether the mobile behavior is a variant of the desktop behavior or a fundamentally different pattern. They see the block that looks like a simple card but will need to render three different content types with three different interaction models, and they’re trying to figure out whether those should be one component with variants or three components that share a visual language. They see the animation that isn’t specified but will need to be specified, and the loading state that no one has thought about, and the error state that no one has thought about, and the empty state that no one has thought about.

    They see the question of whether this block becomes a pattern the team will reuse across twenty other pages, in which case the API needs to be designed carefully, because mistakes will propagate, or whether it’s a one-off, in which case the pattern can be simpler but they need to be sure it actually won’t get reused, because one-offs that get reused are the single most reliable source of technical debt in the world.

    They see all of this, and then someone tells them the design is 95% done.

    What the engineer hears is that 95% of the design work is done. Which tells them almost nothing about how much of the engineering work is done, because the engineering work is a different thing, and it hasn’t started yet.

    This is a description of what engineering craft actually is. It is the work of taking something that feels resolved at one level of abstraction and making it resolved at every level of abstraction, including levels that the person who created the original artifact was not required to think about, and often could not have been expected to think about. It is a deep and specific form of thinking, and it requires time that looks, from the outside, like delay.

    Every craft has this property: the people inside it see things the people outside cannot. What I am describing is not engineering seeing more than other disciplines. It is what happens when disciplines work alongside each other without ever fully entering each other’s depth, when each craft becomes invisible to the others, and the cost of that invisibility lands somewhere it shouldn’t.

    Why the invisibility is structural

    The invisibility is a structural feature of how cross-functional work is organized.

    Design work is legible. You can see it. A finished design is a thing you can look at and evaluate. The craft is visible in the artifact. When a designer has spent three weeks refining hierarchy and tone and flow, the output of that work is a document anyone can open and feel.

    Engineering work is largely invisible. The artifact is a running system, and the craft is in the decisions that shaped the system, decisions that are invisible by definition because the whole point of good engineering is to make the right decisions feel inevitable in retrospect1. When a team ships a component that works beautifully, the work that went into making it work beautifully is erased by the fact of its working. You can’t see the architectural choices. You can’t see the edge cases that were handled. You can’t see the thirty decisions that were made quickly and correctly because someone had built up enough context to know which option was right.

    The asymmetry matters because it shapes who gets to have their work respected as craft by default and who has to argue for it. Designers don’t usually have to explain to engineers why their work takes the time it takes, the artifact does the explaining. Engineers routinely have to explain to designers, product managers, and executives why their work takes the time it takes, and the explanation is hard because the thing they’re describing is invisible.

    If a team doesn’t actively correct for this asymmetry, the team that produces invisible work will systematically be treated as the team whose work can be compressed.

    The shock absorber

    Here is the pattern that produces the worst outcomes in cross-functional work.

    A decision space opens up. There are trade-offs to be made. Some of them are hard, which features to cut, which ideas to let go of, which ambitions to defer. These decisions are uncomfortable because they require someone to say no to something they care about.

    The team has a choice. They can make those decisions together, in the room, while the cost of each option is still visible to everyone. Or they can defer the decisions, keep the scope, keep the ambition, keep everything that feels important, and let the decisions get made implicitly later, by whoever is the last line of defense before the thing ships.

    The last line of defense is almost always engineering.

    This is how you get a team where design finalizes, then engineering “figures it out.” Where the trade-offs that weren’t made explicitly in the planning conversation become trade-offs that engineering makes implicitly under deadline pressure, between features and polish, between correctness and speed, between doing the work well and doing the work on time. Where the scope stays ambitious because no one had to say no to anything in the room, and then the engineering team absorbs the impossibility quietly, through longer hours and deferred hygiene and quality corners that get cut invisibly.

    This is the shock absorber pattern. One discipline absorbs the uncertainty that the whole team should have shared.

    When it works, it looks like heroism. The team ships on time (ish), the ambitious scope is preserved, and the engineers who absorbed the cost are praised for their hustle. The praise is real and they feel seen, and the pattern is reinforced.

    But even when the shipping is working, the damage is happening. The engineers who absorbed the first round of uncertainty are not recovering between rounds, they’re being asked to absorb the next round too. The platform hygiene that got deferred during the heroic quarter is still deferred, and the cost of deferring it is compounding. The trade-offs that got made implicitly under deadline pressure were not the same trade-offs that would have been made explicitly in the planning conversation, and the system now contains those implicit decisions as invisible debt. The engineers themselves are a little more tired, a little more cynical, a little more likely to leave.

    And the next time the team produces a heroic quarter, the bar gets reset. The heroic output becomes the new baseline. The next ask is measured against the last delivery, and the last delivery was unsustainable, so the next ask is also unsustainable, and no one notices, because no one is tracking the gap between what the team is delivering and what the team could deliver at a pace that didn’t consume reserves.

    This is how good teams break.

    What craft-respect actually requires

    Respect across disciplines is not a matter of tone. It is not about being nice to each other in meetings, or using the right language in Slack, or remembering to thank each other for good work. Those things matter but they are the surface of the thing, not the substance.

    The substance is this: respecting craft across disciplines means making decisions in the rooms where they can still be made, with the people who will bear the consequences, before those decisions become invisible.

    In practice, this looks like a few specific things.

    It looks like engineering being in the room when scope is being set, not receiving the scope as a completed artifact. Not because engineers need to approve the scope, they don’t, but because the cost of each element of the scope is information that should shape the scope, and that information is only available if engineering is present for the conversation.

    It looks like the “how do we move faster” question being followed immediately by “what are we choosing not to build.” Speed without de-scoping is not speed, it is compression, which is the same output for a higher cost, and the higher cost gets paid by whoever is closest to the deadline.

    It looks like treating engineering estimates as the output of a function, not as an opinion to be negotiated. When an engineer says a thing takes six weeks, the useful response is not “can it be four”, the useful response is “which inputs to your estimate are the most flexible, and what does the work look like at each input level.” The first response treats the estimate as emotional. The second treats it as a model.

    It looks like recognizing that when a team runs hot to hit a date, the running-hot was not free, and planning the next period accordingly. A team that sprinted last quarter cannot sprint again this quarter without paying a compounding cost, and the cost compounds regardless of whether anyone is paying attention to it. The only way to avoid the cost is to plan deliberate recovery into the next period.

    None of this is about slowing down. It is about producing the best work a team is capable of over years instead of quarters, which requires understanding that craft has a pace, and the pace is not infinitely negotiable.

    What this is really about

    The argument I am making is not a soft one. The shock absorber pattern – the compounding cost, the heroic baseline that quietly destroys the teams that produced it – is the difference between organizations that build great work sustainably and organizations that build great work once and then wonder why they can’t do it again.

    The best teams I have been part of were the ones where no discipline had to absorb what the others chose not to decide. Where designers, engineers, marketers, and strategists sat in the same rooms when the trade-offs were live, and made them together, with full visibility into what each choice would cost and who would pay the cost.

    They were not always the fastest teams – although when you take the long view, they almost always are. They were the ones whose work got better over time.

    That, to me, is what respecting craft across disciplines actually means. Not tone. Not politeness. Not saying the right things in Slack. It means building the kind of cross-functional practice where no one’s craft is ever treated as the shock absorber, because every discipline’s work is understood to have depth, and every discipline’s depth is understood to have a cost, and the costs are shared in the open instead of absorbed in silence.

    1. The same by the way, can be said of good design, good strategy, good marketing. Any craft. But it’s easiest to see this about the craft you understand best. There is a name of for this bias: egocentric bias ↩︎
  • Clarity Has Gravity

    There’s a point in an organization’s growth where the problems stop being local.

    What used to feel like a workflow tweak reveals a deeper data inconsistency. A platform improvement surfaces unclear ownership. A tooling decision exposes assumptions that were never fully examined. The issues don’t live neatly inside a single backlog anymore; they stretch across teams, incentives, and timelines.

    At some point, you stop seeing tasks. You start seeing the system.

    And once you see the system, everything begins to feel connected.

    That’s when it gets interesting. And where, for me, growth began.

    As a senior engineer, my instinct was straightforward

    If something could be improved, improve it.

    If I noticed a fragility, I hardened it. If I saw a misalignment, I named it and helped correct it. If I could trace a downstream consequence, I surfaced it early so we could avoid unnecessary pain later.

    That instinct served me well. It’s how you build trust. It’s how you raise the bar. It’s how you grow into senior.

    But the shift into staff dev and higher requires a different muscle.

    Because at that level, the problems you can see are rarely confined to your lane. They span domains. They reveal capability gaps rather than implementation gaps. And they multiply the more context you gain.

    The question changes from “Can I fix this?” to “Should I own this?”

    That’s a learned lesson, by the way; not just theory.

    When clarity creates gravity

    One of the less discussed aspects of staff+ work is that clarity has gravity.

    When you can connect dots across domains, people naturally pull you into conversations. You have the context. You understand the tradeoffs or can figure them out very quickly. You can anticipate second- and third-order effects that aren’t yet obvious.

    Over time, you become an informal integration point.

    And that can feel like growth. And at first it is. Influence expands. The room relies on your perspective, you’re trusted with ambiguity.

    But there’s a subtle edge to it.

    If you equate understanding with obligation, you begin to absorb responsibility for everything you can see. The more interconnected the system becomes, the more you feel compelled to stabilize it personally.

    Over time, that pattern reduces leverage instead of increasing it.

    There’s also a social layer to this that I didn’t fully appreciate at first. Many women, and others who’ve been socialized to be the reliable one in the room, are conditioned to equate usefulness with value, to step in, smooth things over, and keep everything moving.

    But reliability and strategic growth are not the same thing. Being the stabilizer can make you indispensable at your current level. It doesn’t automatically position you to reshape the system itself. And without realizing it, you can start optimizing for being needed rather than being leveraged.

    Not everyone cares about that. I do.

    Interconnected doesn’t mean centralized

    At scale, everything touches everything. Architecture influences process; process shapes ownership; ownership affects incentives. The system is inherently interconnected.

    It’s tempting to respond to that by centralizing coherence through one person or one team. If you can see how the pieces fit, maybe you should coordinate them all.

    But interconnected doesn’t mean centralized ownership.

    In fact, centralizing too much through one person or team can unintentionally slow down the very maturity you’re trying to cultivate. You become the glue that compensates for structural gaps instead of designing structures that remove the need for glue.

    There’s a career dimension to this that took me time to understand. Organizations tend to elevate people who redesign systems, not just the ones who keep them running. If you’re constantly compensating for structural gaps yourself, those gaps remain invisible, and so does the need to expand the mandate around the work.

    There’s a difference between being helpful and being high-leverage.

    The former stabilizes. The latter transforms1.

    Foresight and restraint

    There’s also something uncomfortable about foresight. When you can see where something is likely to fracture months from now, it’s hard to watch it move forward imperfectly. Sometimes it makes me literally wince. It feels negligent to stay quiet when you can anticipate the cost.

    Earlier in my career, I interpreted that discomfort as a cue to step in.

    Now I’m realizing that instinct doesn’t scale.

    I think that part of operating at staff+ isn’t expanding the number of things you personally own, but refining the ones you choose to transform. It’s naming risks without absorbing delivery. It’s designing clean interfaces rather than patching every adjacent seam. It’s making the implications visible and then allowing the organization to decide how much it wants to invest in closing the gap.

    That feels less immediately satisfying. But it’s also a lot more scalable and more directly in service of cultivating and maturing a system.

    The goal isn’t to do less. It’s to do the work that makes the other work resolvable.

    Choosing the hill

    When multiple capability gaps are visible at once, the discipline isn’t in addressing all of them. It’s in choosing the one that, if transformed deeply, will change how the others are approached.

    The right transformation raises the baseline. It shifts mental models. It clarifies ownership. It makes future decisions less fragile. It might look like designing the interface three teams were previously working around, or naming the ownership gap that was quietly slowing every initiative. It’s not less work. It’s more precise work, the kind that compounds.

    The goal isn’t to reduce scope. It’s to increase leverage. To focus on the change that makes other changes easier, faster, and more durable.

    When that work is done well, adjacent systems don’t get ignored. They become easier to evolve because the foundation is clearer, the interfaces are cleaner, and the ownership model is stronger.

    Seeing the whole system still matters. But the real impact comes from reshaping it, not personally carrying it.

    1. This is a nod to Zone to Win by Geoffrey Moore, who articulated 4 zones an org can operate in: performance zone, productivity zone, incubation zone, and transformation zone. Here’s a brief-ish summary of the book. ↩︎

  • Slow Is Smooth, Smooth Is Fast

    People often admire decisive meetings.

    The kind where someone frames the problem clearly, tension surfaces, perspectives clash a little, and a strong direction emerges by the end. It feels productive. Strategic. Powerful.

    I admire those meetings too. I like clarity. I like direction. I am not short on opinions, and I’m comfortable steering a conversation when it needs steering. I care about outcomes. I care about momentum. I care about not wasting time.

    But I’ve started to notice something.

    By the time a hard conversation goes well, the real work has usually already happened.

    The work that happens before the meeting

    Before the meeting, there have often been one-on-one conversations. Sometimes directly about the issue at hand. Sometimes indirectly, reinforcing something more foundational: that a person’s perspective matters, that disagreement is welcome, that raising a concern won’t quietly cost them later.

    That groundwork rarely shows up in the calendar invite.

    And yet it shapes everything.

    In the meeting itself, I usually arrive with a point of view. I’ve done the thinking. I have a thesis. I can articulate a direction. That part comes naturally to me.

    What doesn’t come as naturally, and what I’ve had to learn (and still learning), is holding that thesis lightly enough that it can change.

    If I walk into the room with an answer that’s already locked in, then I don’t actually want collaboration. I want endorsement.

    The best answers I’ve seen don’t come from endorsement. They come from integration. They absorb perspectives I couldn’t have generated alone. They are refined through friction. They are stronger because they’ve been shaped in public.

    But that only works if the room feels safe.

    In The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, the foundational dysfunction isn’t conflict. It’s absence of trust. Without trust, teams avoid real disagreement. Without real disagreement, they commit artificially. And when commitment is artificial, accountability and results suffer.

    You can’t shortcut that first layer.

    Psychological safety isn’t something you declare. It’s something you build.

    The discipline of not rushing

    And building it requires discipline.

    I resist speed, even though moving fast can look decisive.

    I resist over-controlling the narrative, even though I’m capable of doing so.

    I resist the urge to appear fully formed and perfectly prepared.

    There’s a saying often attributed to the U.S. Navy SEALs: slow is smooth, smooth is fast. It is one of my favourite sayings.

    It’s not a slogan about taking your time. It’s about precision under pressure. Move deliberately enough to avoid chaos. Be smooth enough that execution accelerates naturally.

    I’ve seen the same principle play out in teams. When we slow down enough to surface real dissent, to let silence breathe, to allow an idea to be challenged before it calcifies, the decision becomes smoother. And when the decision is smoother, execution moves faster.

    I try to let silence stretch longer than is comfortable. I try not to rush in to rescue the room. Often, that pause is where courage gathers. It’s where someone decides to disagree or to say the risky thing. Or to suggest something more ambitious than they would have otherwise.

    This kind of work is sometimes described as glue work. The relational labor. The context-setting. The trust-building. The one-on-ones. The steady reinforcement that each voice matters. Historically, women have often carried more of that work in organizations.

    But I don’t see it as auxiliary. I see it as structural.

    Bold direction without trust is brittle.

    Speed without safety narrows the range of ideas in the room.

    Control without space produces compliance, not commitment.

    What success actually looks like

    For me, success isn’t walking out of the room having been right. It isn’t hearing my original thesis echoed back to me.

    Success is when the decision no longer feels like mine.

    It’s when there is real buy-in because the idea was shaped together. When people can see their fingerprints on the outcome. When constructive dissent made the answer better. When commitment is strong because ownership is shared.

    That kind of buy-in doesn’t happen accidentally. It’s the result of work that most people never see.

    When speed is necessary

    That said, not every moment allows for that kind of integration.

    Sometimes we do need to move fast. Sometimes the call has to be made. Sometimes the room doesn’t have time for full debate. In those moments, I am decisive.

    But when a team operates in a psychologically safe environment, those moments land differently. There is trust and context. There is an understanding that if space wasn’t held this time, there is a reason.

    Speed is accepted because it isn’t the norm. Authority works because it isn’t overused.

    The foundation holds.

    Building something that lasts

    There is power in setting direction. I do that often.

    But there is also power in building the conditions where a team can challenge, refine, and ultimately co-own that direction.

    When that happens, the decision holds.

    Why? Because it was built not dictated.