Today marks almost 4 years since I decided to step away from my own business because I wanted to learn what bigger companies had to offer. This time, 4 years ago, I was in Spain with my spouse rethinking my entire career.
I started my own business when I was just 21. I distinctly remember a friend’s partner scoffing that he doubts the business would ever make even 50k. It took a little while and some serious ups and downs, but the business thrived and supported multiple people. I’m proud of what I built and what I learned.
4 years ago, I joined an agency and stayed there for about a year. Then I moved to a hosting company, and I was there for just over a year. Then I joined a larger agency and learned for just under a year. And now I’m nearing a year at the second product company I set out to learn at.
And I find myself wondering what I want to be when I grow up, all over again.
When I was 21 and starting my business, the goal was crystal clear in my mind: build a business that lets me live life on my own terms and do something meaningful and useful with my career. I worked with non-profits, women-owned businesses, and then eventually transitioned to working with large businesses that let me support a changing and evolving life and other people. I worked hard. There were countless all-nighters and grinding for weeks on end. But there were also the summers I took off, guilt free, enjoying the sun in my face every day.
For the longest time I didn’t wake up until 11am, and didn’t start my work day till around 2pm. It was the happiest and healthiest I ever was, when I lived that routine. It suited me, my nature, and tendencies. My most creative streak starts in the afternoon, and it’s when I’m at my boldest.
When I got married, the schedule shifted so I could spend time with my spouse. I woke up earlier, I slept earlier. When I decided to step away from the business and work at other companies, suddenly that became a necessity. Businesses typically operate in the realm of 8-6pm. Then I became a parent, and that necessitated not only earlier wake ups, but a lot of waking up at night too. So both life and career took turns that shifted how I operated and lived my life.
In these last 4 years, I have learned and grown in ways I didn’t even know about before. I’ve tackled problems that only exist at scale, and learned how change actually happens inside organizations in a way I never could have as an outside contractor. In these last 4 years, AI completely upended and transformed the way we work in the tech industry. And yes, I drank it all up.
It hasn’t been a picnic, any of it, but I learned and learned hard. I studied, I made mistakes, I experimented, I learned how to allow myself to be managed instead of being the manager/owner/founder. I finally understood what people meant when they talked about career ladders, promotions, influence, and all the strange incentives that come with working inside a company.
And I find myself wondering what I want to be when I grow up, all over again.
None of this means I’m unhappy with where I am, or that I’m quietly plotting an exit. I’m not. I like the work I’m doing. I still have a lot I want to learn, and problems I’m excited to solve.
But “learn what bigger companies have to teach me” was a goal, and goals aren’t meant to last forever.
For the last four years, that was enough direction. It gave me a reason to make moves, take risks, be uncomfortable, and keep saying yes to things I didn’t know how to do yet. I think I’m reaching the point where I need a new answer to the question of what all of that learning is in service of.
Not necessarily a new job or anything. Just a clearer idea of what I want the next few years of my life to optimize for.
So, as we enter October, which, if you’ve known me long enough, you know to be my season of change and new rumblings, I’m going to spend some time thinking about what the next goal is.
I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up yet. But I think it’s probably time to come up with a new answer.